1 Thessalonians 4:3-6
Waiting Until I Get Married
In our series on marriage and the family, we come to
a somewhat delicate issue that is appropriate and timely and must be considered
in the pulpit of the church. I want to say, there are some aspects of this
subject that are probably best dealt with in a different setting, and a more
intimate setting, but let me try this evening to deal with broad strokes and
some particular applications.
Turn with me to 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6, where Paul is
dealing with this very issue, “Waiting Until I Get Married.” Hear the word of
God:
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that
is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to
possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion,
like the Gentiles who do not know God; and that no man transgress and defraud
his brother in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things,
just as we also told you before and solemnly warned you.”
So far God’s holy and inerrant word, may He add His own
blessing to it, let’s pray together.
Our Father, as we come before You, we want to
especially know something of the presence of the Spirit amongst us, to give us a
sense of seriousness and concern and commitment to the whole area of human
sexuality, and what You teach us about it in Your word. Help us, we pray, to
write these truths upon our hearts, for Jesus’ sake, Amen.
I’ve been reading books again, books with titles
like these, Before the Ring by William Coleman, Boundaries in Dating
by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. A book that many of you know,
Joshua Harris’ I Kissed Dating Goodbye–there’s a title. Surviving
Temptation Island, by George Werner and David Davidson, and perhaps the most
helpful, and one I think that every parent should try and acquire for their
teenage children, Elisabeth Elliot’s book, Passion and Purity,
especially for young girls.
Now, each of these books sets out some fairly basic
advice, some more controversial than others, about the whole issue of sex before
marriage. It’s a hugely, hugely important issue. It always has been, and I was
raised, I have to tell you, in an environment in which we didn’t talk about
these things. What I came to believe happened more by God’s grace than it did
by instruction, especially instruction from the pulpit. I was at a youth
meeting in 1981, 20 years ago, I much younger than I am now, in a place called
Ballyclare, in County Antrim, in Northern Ireland. There was a group of young
people, maybe 25 or so, aged anything from 15 to 18, that sort of age, junior
highs and senior highs, and I had been asked to speak to them about this issue.
This is not my forte; I don’t go around to conferences speaking on this theme,
you understand. I am eagerly awaiting this sermon to be done. But I was asked
to speak about this particular theme, and I began with these words, “The first
time I kissed my wife was the day I married her.” Yes, there were looks of
astonishment 20 years ago, just as there are now. And that says a whole lot
more about me than anything else. But that was our decision as two Christians.
Those were the boundaries that we set. I am not saying that those ought to be
your boundaries. Please do not go away from here saying, “Those are the
boundaries that Derek Thomas sets.” No. Those were our boundaries.
Every parent here tonight wants boundaries for their children. Some of you want
boundaries for your children because you failed yourselves, and you regret it,
and you regret it deeply.
Let me tell you where we’re going. First, let’s look
at our text very quickly and then I want to make three points of application.
This is a text in which Paul is writing to the
Thessalonians about the issue of holiness and sanctification. Paul’s great
concern is holiness. He says, in verses 1 and 2, which we did not read,
“Finally brethren, we request and exhort you in the Lord Jesus, that you receive
from us instruction.” He’s about to give them certain instruction and it is
instruction about sex and marriage and courtship and dating and relationships.
That was the issue that he’s going to deal with in this chapter. But he begs
them first of all that they receive this teaching because it concerns their
relationship to Jesus Christ, their saving relationship to Jesus Christ. Paul
isn’t just giving them moral advice, but he’s giving them advice because they
are in a relationship with Jesus. It’s their relationship to Jesus that’s
paramount. I want you to hear this; I want you to hear this in the Lord Jesus
Christ. And at the end of verse 2, “By the authority of the Lord Jesus Christ.”
Now, look at verses 4 and 5, because what he does is
to apply now a principle. And he applies the principle in a very specific way,
“that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and
honor.” Now, we’ll come back in a moment as to the translation of this verse.
It may well be that Paul has in mind, by the word vessel, the word
wife, because in 1 Peter 3:7, and again in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul seems to
use very similar language when what he has in mind is the idea of taking a
wife. Be that as it may, the translation that most of us have this evening is
Paul’s advice about possessing our vessel in sanctification and honor. He’s
talking about the way sanctification affects our bodies. It’s not just
something of the mind, it’s not just something mystical, it’s not just something
spiritual, it’s not just something that affects our heart and our feelings and
our affections, it has ramifications for our bodies, and the individual members
of our body.
Now look at verse 5. For having said that, if Paul is
indeed saying in verse 4, that each of you know how to possess his own vessel,
if Paul is saying, each of you know how to take a wife in sanctification and
honor, he’s talking to a context in which it was altogether likely that many of
these Christians had adopted the standards of the world. And he’s saying to
them, rather than adopt those standards of the world, know how to take a wife in
sanctification and honor. And then he goes on, in verse 5, to say, “Not in
lustful passion.” You don’t marry the first girl that you see, simply in order
that you might fulfill your sexual desires, like the Gentiles, who do not know
God. You know God, and knowing God has consequences for the way in which you
view sexuality and for the way in which you view marriage, the for the way in
which you view human relationships between husbands and wives.
Now in verse 6, he makes this issue, not only between
you and God but between you and the church. You offend your brothers if you
transgress here. Then, in the latter half of verse 6, Paul shoots a rifle shot
across their heads, and he says, “If you fail here, it’s not the apostle Paul
you have to face. It’s the Lord Himself who is the avenger in all these
things,” as apparently Paul had warned them before.
Then, finally in verse 7 and 8, Paul explains why
God’s vengeance would not be an overreaction to their immorality, as he says in
verse 7, “God has no called us for the purpose of impurity, but in
sanctification.” Consequently, He who rejects this is not rejecting man, but
the God who gives His Holy Spirit to you.
Do you see the context? It’s the context of
holiness; it’s the context of sanctification. There you have it. Paul is
calling Christians to sexually pure lives, to adopt standards that are pleasing
to God, to adopt standards that are in keeping with knowing God, and being in a
relationship with Jesus Christ.
I. Sexual purity is an issue of
Christian discipleship.
That’s the context, now, let me make some applications and get
practical. Firstly, sexual purity is an issue of Christian discipleship. It’s
about, as Paul says, knowing God. The reason why, as a Christian, that you have
different standards here from the Gentiles from the world from unbelievers, is
because you know God. It’s a mark of what it means to have Jesus in your
lives. It means having ‘holiness unto the Lord’ like a banner flying top of our
heads in everything that we do. I want God to have every part of me. I wonder
if that comes remotely close to your greatest desire tonight? I want God to
have every part of me, and I am prepared to be considered a fool in the eyes of
the world. And you know, young people, as we will see in a minute, if you adopt
biblical standards about sex before marriage, if you adopt biblical standards,
the world , your friends, your junior and senior high and college so-called
friends, may well call you a fool. But that’s the cost of discipleship, that’s
the mark of following Jesus, that’s what it means, Paul says, to know God.
“Flee youthful lusts,” Paul writes to Timothy. And unless you make these
commitments beforehand, I doubt very much in the heat of the moment that you
will know what to do with sexual impulses.
Perhaps I’m speaking to some who have gone too far,
so let me ask you to consider with me for a minute. You’re talking with Jesus,
imagine, you’re talking with Jesus, and He says to you, ‘You call yourself a
Christian, so what does that mean? What does it mean when you say, ‘I’m a
Christian?’” Does it mean I love Jesus so much that I’m prepared to reject what
everybody else may be doing. I love Jesus so much that when my so-called friends
boast about what they did over the weekend, I don’t feel left out, because I
have made a decision to be different. I love Jesus so much that I’m prepared
even to lose some of these friends.
You know, that’s probably one of the hardest things
for you folks here in the South, with all of your sensitivity to social
relationships and connections, losing friends is a big thing. It wasn’t too big
a thing for me growing up, but I understand for you, that’s a big thing. But
that may well be the cost of your Christian discipleship. If my so-called
friends adopt different standards of dating and different standards about sex
before marriage, and different standards about how far you can go, I love Jesus
so much I’m prepared to lost those friends. Lord Jesus, I love You so much I’m
prepared to deny myself and take up a cross in order that I might be a virgin on
my wedding day. In order that I might be a virgin on my wedding day. Lord
Jesus, I love You so much that I will never put pressure on anyone to compromise
these biblical principles, not my girlfriend, not my boyfriend.
Do you see what I’m saying? It’s a matter of
discipleship. It’s honoring God with my body. I have this body. You have your
bodies with their drives and hormones, and some of you young people, you’re
dripping hormones all over the carpet, they’re coming out of your pores, it’s a
natural thing. You have drives and some of you are just becoming aware of them,
you don’t even know what to do with them. Where are you going to get your
standards from? MTV? You know, Moron Television. It’s a matter of
discipleship, young people, it’s a matter of what it means to love Jesus
Christ. I love Him so much, that I am prepared to be considered a fool in the
eyes of the world, and you will be considered a fool.
Do not present your members to sin as instruments for
unrighteousness, Paul writes in Romans, of all places, in the sixth chapter of
Romans. One of the most important chapters in all of the New Testament. And
there, in the heart of a theological treatise, Paul says, don’t present your
bodies as instruments of unrighteousness. Don’t do it. Don’t you know that
your bodies are a temple of the Holy Spirit, he writes to another church. Don’t
heed what others may be saying. It’s a matter of discipleship, it’s a matter of
pleasing God, it’s a matter of knowing God. That’s the first thing.
II. Secondly, sexual purity is
maintained by stringent effort.
Secondly, sexual purity is maintained by stringent effort.
It’s maintained by stringent effort. Does it surprise you, that in the middle of
this epistle, Paul would make these comments? After all, he’s talking to
Christians, he’s talking to professing Christians, and he finds it necessary to
say something very blunt about sexual purity. I used to think that the last
place on earth that you should talk about these things is in the church. You
know, it wasn’t right. I don’t know whether that’s the British in me, I think
it is, it’s the sort of Victorianism that still works its way through the
genes. But you know, it’s a conspiracy, because the very place where this needs
to be said is here. Paul says it here in the middle of this epistle. I think
that says to us that in Paul’s day they struggled with some of these issues as
you and I struggle with some of these issues. You know, when we say, “Oh, I’m
struggling,” what we mean is, “We’re failing.” So, Paul is writing to this
Thessalonian church, and he’s saying to them, “There’s something that you need
to do. There’s an effort that you need to apply, at this point.”
We tend to think that our age is the only age that
has confronted sexual license, and of course, this is a difficult age in which
to live. You can’t avoid the sexual innuendos in advertisements, television,
the pop culture, everywhere you are bombarded by it, night and day. The
pressure to conform is huge, it’s immense. The whole label thing. I feel sorry
for some of you young people, especially the girls. You have to dress so
provocatively, just because you think you’ll be considered a prude if you
don’t. Because that’s the way to insure that you’re on the “in crowd.” Well,
Paul is addressing some of these issues too, he’s addressing some of these
pressures too, and the point is that some of you are struggling right here.
Boys see this as a rite of passage. Who wants to graduate from college and
still be a virgin? We’re tempted to lie. Some of you boys, some of you young
men, you’re being tempted to lie about this issue, simply because you want to
sound normal and macho. And the girls, some of you are victims, I understand
that, but not all of you. In fact, I’m prepared to be shot down on this,
probably most of you are not. You don’t want to be thought of as dowdy and
prudish, and you are prepared to rob yourself of something precious and
beautiful and get it over with, and have sex before marriage. Perhaps I’m off
target, I’m approaching 50, after all. I’m somewhat out of touch. I wouldn’t
blame you for saying that, but let me tell you, that if you let this happen, if
you indulge in sex before marriage, you will always regret it. That’s why I
applaud things like The Purity Pledge. To see young people, as I have, wearing
T-shirts and baseball caps, emblazoned with logos about their chastity,
believing that true love waits, I make a commitment to God, myself, my family,
my friends, my future mate, my future children, to be sexually abstinent from
this day until the day I enter a biblical marriage relationship. Now, you may
doubt it and may be so cynical that you can’t even believe it anymore, but these
young people want to remain chaste, pure until their wedding day. I know there
are some aspects of it that make us uncomfortable, but get over it, as you say.
There are some wonderfully helpful internet sites about this very issue, sites
such as PassionforPurity.com.
What am I saying? I’m saying that this requires
effort. It requires a great deal of effort. What kind of effort? The kind of
effort, Jesus says, that’s prepared to sever right hands, to pluck out right
eyes, for the sake of my relationship with God. It is better, Jesus says, that
you lose one of your members, than that your whole body go into hell. It didn’t
say that, that’s Jesus who’s saying that. Jesus is saying, heaven and hell are
at stake here. That may shock you to put it like that. You know, I want to
have the right balance of approachability and sensitivity and threatening and
cajoling, but this is a threat here. Don’t misunderstand. Heaven and hell are
at stake here. If you don’t fight lust, if you don’t engage in the
mortification of sin, if you’re not engaging in this struggle, I’m not saying
that occasionally you may break even the vows that we make, and there’s a way
back from there, in repentance and faith, but if we are not engaging in this
struggle at all, Jesus says you are heading for hell. Don’t make any mistake
about it, you are heading straight for hell. Do you notice how Paul fires this
warning shot across the bows about the vengeance of God?
Let me give you a standard. The standard that Paul
gives when he writes to the Ephesians, and I love the English Standard Version
translation of this, “that sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness
must not even be named among you.” Now, there’s a standard. It mustn’t even be
named among you. Those smutty jokes that you young people want to tell
on a Monday morning in school on the playground, in the parking lot, must not
even be named among you.
Some of you young people are asking, “How far can I
go?” The fact that you’re asking that question is scary enough, the fact that
you’re asking that question. Let me put it this way. There are issues we could
talk about in detail; this would not be the right occasion, you understand.
This would not be the right occasion for some of the graphic detail that may be
necessary to answer that question, for what is now euphemistically called “outercourse.”
Young men, let me give you a standard. You lay your
hands on her, and you’ve gone too far. There’s a standard. You lay your hands
on her, and you’ve gone too far.
Young women, let me give you a standard. If he
doesn’t respect you now, or if you don’t respect yourself now, do you think it
will change once you get married? Do you think so? Let it not be named–not
even so much as a hint of it–that’s the standard. Let me give you a third
application
III. Sexual purity means that
marriage is the context of sexual fulfillment.
I won’t take time now to argue the case in verses 4 and 5. I’m
almost certain that when Paul uses the word “vessel,” as I suggested,
particularly in its relationship to another verse in 1 Peter 3:7, and the verb
“to take control” or to “possess” is more often “to acquire,” so I’m almost
persuaded that what Paul really means here is what we really should be doing–it
is acquiring a life in holiness–that our goal here is a holy marriage in the
Lord. That’s our goal.
I want to say a word to parents here, quickly. You
know we need to model, and this is a very convicting thing to say, but we need
to model in our marriages before our children something that they will say,
“That’s the kind of marriage I want. That’s the kind of relationship I want.
That’s the kind of holiness I want; that’s the kind of respect that I want.” You
know, in the Song of Solomon in the very closing verses in Chapter 8, a young
woman is depicted, and this young woman is on the verge of puberty–she’s on the
verge of sexual awareness. And her brothers come to her and they say to her,
“you can be one of two things. You can either be a wall or you can be a door.
You can be a wall or a door–that’s the choice. That’s the decision that you have
to make.” When you are dealing with sexual awareness, you’ve got a decision to
make. What are you going to be? Are you going to be a wall or are you going to
be an open door? Which is it?
I wouldn’t be surprised if some of you have already
lit a fire that’s hard to put out. My dear Christian friends; put it out. Put it
out! For some of you, it’s too late. I regret that deeply. I can’t tell you how
much I regret that and I think you will too. Don’t misunderstand me. There’s
repentance; there’s forgiveness as the way of faith. There are gospel mercies
even in this. But when you have to tell your future husband or your future wife
about your sexual history and you know here at First Presbyterian Church when
you ask to be married in this church, very often you are asked to fill out a
form in which you have to say that. You have to be honest about your sexual past
in the interest of full disclosure. And you know when you have to do that, I am
absolutely certain that you will regret it. You will wish that you had waited so
that the beauty of sexual intimacy is in the context of marriage where it
belongs and not in some tawdry, sweaty place. So I’m going to challenge you–you
young people especially–how are you going to insure that you keep your virginity
until marriage? How are you going to do that? What are you going to do to insure
that? That’s your decision. You’re going to be a wall, not an open door.
Young men, what are you going to do to insure that?
How are you going to hold yourself accountable to that? Can you say with Job
tonight, “I made a covenant with my eyes that I would not look lustfully after a
girl.” Young men, can you say that? Is that in the ball park? Is that
remotely near where you want to be tonight? And if you say “yes” to that;
that’s what I want. I want to be a virgin when I get married. What are you going
to do to insure that?
Young girls, have you got covenant eyes? Young men,
have you got covenant hands, or have you got dirty hands? Have you got covenant
bodies, God made, God honorable, for the holy state of marriage and not outside
of it?
The question is, “How serious are you about wanting
to be a disciple of Christ?” That’s the issue. Because all of what I say is so
much morality–you know, it’s odd, weird–you know that’s him. But unless
you put it in the context of your relationship with Jesus Christ, you’re never
going to keep this. It’s only as you look to Christ, As Christ fills your vision
so that Christ perfects the way you relate to a young girl or a young boy. And
it makes you different.
Are you prepared, young people, to take up a cross
and follow Jesus right here in this aspect of coming to terms with your
sexuality, and your hormones, and your drives? I want to be pure for Jesus. If
so, then it means abstinence until you get married. And I tell you, young people
tonight, I tell you from the depths of my heart, that if you seek God’s kingdom
first, He will fill you with all that you need sexually. It may be a spouse and
it may be the grace to live as a single person, but if you put God first, there
is nothing that He won’t help you to do. Let’s pray together.
Our Father in heaven, we pray tonight especially for our
young people. We pray for those this evening who may well have transgressed in
this very area and we ask that you would convict them of their sin, that you
would give them grace to repent and to ask forgiveness to withdraw from those
practices and relationships, and we especially pray for those tonight who desire
with all of their hearts to remain pure for Jesus. Embolden them; give them
courage; give them strength; help them to dare to be a Daniel in a lion’s den
for Jesus’ sake. Amen.